she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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