"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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