Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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