The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
