I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
