last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
