Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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