I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
