Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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