I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
