and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
