Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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