I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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