I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
me + whiskey = a bad person
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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