i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
