When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
