Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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