i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
