im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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