it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Randomize
