I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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