Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
