If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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