we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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