Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
