Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
