I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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