my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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