You just made me feel so damn special
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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