So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
