I just saw a hot homeless man
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
