I think i sorta joined a cult last night
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
