Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
