We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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