I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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