I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize