....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
