Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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