Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
