Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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