I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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