i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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