Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Even my vagina gasped.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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