did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
