You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
