he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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