I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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