1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
