i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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