See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
