I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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