I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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